


Stanford Pines VS A Modern Earth

by actual_iggy



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 23:17:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6029095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actual_iggy/pseuds/actual_iggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ford has essentially been isolated from modern Earth society for 30 years. The kids take it upon themselves to teach him about everything in their world which has changed since 1982.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Inflation

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Gravity falls fanfiction! Hope you enjoy!

Dipper and Mabel had become sick of their great-uncle Ford being so smart, but so outdated. Mabel was sick of his 30 year old slang, and Dipper was the one who thought someone so smart should know more about modern things, so together, they decided to start teaching him all of the things 2012 had to offer. Their endeavor began in town, but they needed a way to get there, first...

"We need to go into town!" Mabel announced, bouncing on her feet in front of her other great uncle, Ford's brother Stan. "Start up the car!" "I'd love to, sweetie, but we're too low on gas." The old man replied, looking over the wood post in front of him. "I've got this, Stan. Here." Ford responded, making a rare effort to be pleasant to his sibling, and handing him a five dollar bill.

Stan looked at the bill, then at his brother. "Thanks. I'll go buy an ice cream cone at the local fast food place. What I'm saying is, this doesn't help." He said, looking back at the post and knocking on it. It crumpled under his hand like a sponge. "Aha! A rare 'spongewood!'" he said victoriously.

"It's saturated in water." Observed the other. "That's why it's so spongey."

"Or maybe it's a rare and magical property! They won't know! I'll have gas money in no time!"

"Ugh. Come along, Mabel. Don't bother with this. We'll go to town another time." Ford shuffled the girl away. "It takes more than five dollars to fill a gas tank, now, I take it?" He asked, once they were back in the kitchen with Dipper.

"Uhh..." Both kids looked at each other, concerned.

"Maybe you should sit down for this." Suggested Mabel, guiding him to a chair.

"So, uh, how much was gas last time you checked?" Dipper asked, glancing at his sister nervously.

"Depending on the place, it was anywhere from fifty to eighty cents a gallon, why?" The twins looked at each other again. "It's gone up a lot." Dipper said carefully.

"How much? Is it a dollar-fifty again?" Ford asked, starting to get a little upset at the outrage of gas for a dollar fifty. Mabel slid down onto the floor under the table.

"Dipper you tell him." She said as she did.

"A-alright. Well, uh, gas prices, uh..." Dipper adjusted his hat. "Yeah they did go up. Uh, it's, well around here it's... cheaper than at home, but uh... Yeah. It's..." He squeezed his eyes shut, nervous for Ford's reaction. "Here it's almost four dollars a gallon."

"Four dollars?" Ford asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. Four dollars. Five in some places." The boy gained more courage as his great uncle seemed to accept this fact.

"No wonder Stan thought I was crazy for giving him only five dollars in gas money..."

"Well, I mean candy's an all-time cheap here!" Mabel announced, grinning. "I can get two big candy bars for a dollar here, when it costed maybe two for one back home!" "Mabel!" Warned her brother, but it was too late. Ford's eyes went wide.

"Only two candy bars for a dollar? Big candy bars? What are you talking about?"

"Well, back home the little fun-size ones were two for a dollar." Mabel explained. "But here, you get the full-size ones for that much!" She pulled a candy bar from her pocket. "See? I bought two yesterday, but I ate one!" She grinned. "I really like the caramel ones, but unless it's super-soft caramel I can't eat it 'til my braces are off!"

"She's already almost ripped a hook off her front tooth once." Dipper agreed wearily.

"Amazing..." Murmured Ford. "All the wonders of modern technology and they use it to raise gas and candy prices. What a future."

"Ooh! Speaking of technology..." Mabel started grabbing her great uncle's arm. "Come on, we got some stuff upstairs to show you!"


	2. Technology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford takes a selfie among other things.

Mabel handed her great uncle the small, sleek device. "This," she announced excitedly, "is my new phone!" 

"How do you call people on it?" Ford asked, turning it over in his hands. "It's not plugged in, and it only has three buttons!" 

"Here, let me see it!" Mabel said, grinning. She pressed a button on the side of the device, making it light up with a picture of her and her pet pig. Ford was startled as he took the thing back and put a finger on the screen. 

"It's so small and flat! How does it display images like this? How do you make it do things?" He seemed like an excited child, poking the phone's screen again. 

"Like this!" Mabel announced, sliding her finger up the screen with a cheery "Boop!" The phone, unlocked now displayed the home menu with its small app icons and a picture that Ford recognized. 

"That's a phone! Maybe..." He said, almost to himself as he poked the phone icon. The screen displayed a numpad now, and Ford held the device up in triumph. "I have made it into a phone!" 

"Aww, old people learning technology is so cute!" Mabel gushed. Her pig grunted in agreement. Dipper could only shake his head, but smiling. Then, his sister grabbed the phone again. She pushed a button on the side, tapped the screen, and showed it to Ford. "Look! You can take pictures of yourself!" 

"Here, hold it up so we can all see ourselves, then push the camera button."  Dipper prompted. Thus, Ford took his first selfie. Mabel was thrilled and scurried off to the printer to get a copy of the photo for her summer scrapbook. 

"Don't tell Stan how many pictures you're printing." Dipper warned. "Printer ink costs a fortune!" 

"It'll be in black and white, remember!" Ford called out, then turned to Dipper. "Right?" 

"Nah, you can print in color now." The boy replied causally. "Come on, I'll show you one of my favorite bits of modern technology!" 

Just then, Stan burst through the door, looking at Dipper, then his brother, then back at Dipper. 

"I just remembered another reason why you can't go into town. They'll ask who Ford is and I for one can't explain that too well." 

"Ford? Oh, he's just your long-lost cousin from.. Uh... Wisconsin!" Dipper said, grinning. Ford behind him looked mildly confused. Stan ruffled his hair. 

"Hey, that's a good one! You're my family, alright! Take the cart if you want, just, don't kill yourselves, or the cart. It's a liability." 

"Alright! I can show off my tech now!" Dipper said excitedly. "You know when Mabel brought back that treasure from beating up that unicorn? Well I spent my part of it online!" 

"On-line?" Ford asked, intrigued. 

"Oh, right. You don't know about the internet." 

"Oh, yes, I know the internet. I did some of my research in college on the university computers." 

"Well, it's a lot more than that now. Now, there's," Dipper produced his own cell phone and tapped the screen a bit, "video streaming, like this." He showed a video of a cat licking itself. 

"And that's on the internet?" Ford wondered, looking in awe. 

"Yup. Since we convinced Stan to pay for the Mystery Shack to have Wifi, we don't even use our phone data anymore." 

"Wifi? Is that what the internet is called now?" 

"Er..." Dipper scratched his head. This was getting complicated to explain. Just then, Mabel came back, holding another device and shouting. 

"DIPPER, DIPPER, LOOK, LOOK! I GOT MY 3-B-S AND BLUPUPPIES GAME IN THE MAIL! LOOK AT THE PUPPIES!" 

"3-B-S?" Ford asked, looking at the small screen. "What's that? Another video?" 

"No, Grunkle Ford! It's a video game! You get to take care of little puppies and kitties!" She pulled up a happy, fluffy white puppy on the screen. "Look at him! I'm naming you Sparkles!" 

"But... it looks like a video, and has the touchable screen navigation of the phones... But it's a _toy_?" The old man wondered, still watching as Mabel gushed over the puppies and kitties under her care. 

"You look grumpy. I'm naming you Stan!" She announced to a virtual Persian kitten. Ford turned back to Dipper. 

"They sell technology as advanced as this to children? To play with?" He asked, still in wonder. 

"Yeah. I mean, they have virtual reality stuff that like, the government uses and stuff, but this is kind of basic. Uh, 3-B-S is the third Blue Screen system. They're called that because when the screen isn't on, it's blue." Dipper responded. 

"Fascinating." Breathed the old man. "Now, tell me about the Why-Fly and how that's what they call the internet now, and why your phone doesn't need to be plugged into the central modem to get videos." 

"Oh boy," sighed Dipper. It wasn't that Ford was stupid (they'd just given up trying to explain these things to Stan, since he was a little stupid about these things), but Dipper didn't entirely get half this stuff himself. He decided to at least try, and sat his great-uncle down on the bed to explain. 


	3. Internet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford gets a Fumblr, and shares embarrassing twin stories with Dipper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, I didn't expect to get so much positive feedback on this so soon after posting! That never happens, haha! Anyway, it really keeps me going to hear how much everyone loves the story, so thanks! :)

"You type faster than I expected." Dipper observed, watching the way Ford's hands flew over the keyboard. "When Stan uses the computer he like, pokes at it like a dead animal or something." 

"I've used more computers in my life than him, and I have an advantage in pushing buttons quickly. You should see me play the piano." Ford responded, looking hard at the screen. Dipper continued to watch, to make sure the souped-up laptop didn't get broken in any way. It was souped-up because while the computer itself was from the late 70s, they'd gone and gotten an actual operating system on it as well as a Wifi adapter plugged in its side and an extra hard drive within. 

"I can use this to research all of my topics! It's amazing!" Ford finally said, after typing several search terms out. 

"Yup. Anything you're curious about, you can just look up. Be careful of viruses, though. They'll mess it up. It's like what Bill does to someone's mind, only on the computer. They take information from you and everything." Dipper compared. He'd done this with pretty much everything he explained just in case Ford didn't happen to have any background knowledge on the subject.

"Then I'll be careful to avoid them." Ford agreed, smiling at his great-nephew. 

"I've gotta go- Mabel and me promised we'd Skype- er, video chat with Mom and Dad today. I'll be back in an hour." Dipper said, running up the stairs. "Have fun!" 

* * *

 

Dipper returned to the basement to find his great uncle right where he'd left him. Only now, Ford was on a certain blogging website, seemingly agitated, from his loud typing. The boy approached the desk, asking, "Great-Uncle Ford, how's it going?" 

"I figured out that I can make codes on this thing on my own, that the polar ice caps are melting more and more, and I have twelve 'follows' on this 'Fumblr' site." The old man responded. "This child is reaching out to me because she is bullied in school, and I 'seem like a nice old grandpa who will understand her problem.' I'm trying to find out what she's being bullied for." 

"Uh, did you really make your screenname 'stanford-pines?'" Dipper asked, pointing. 

"It's my name, isn't it?" He said, almost proudly. "Is identification not the point of a displayed name?" 

"Well, I mean, if you're like that, then sure. Some people just don't want the entire world to know who they are. My username on Fumblr is 'mysteriousdip' which sounds a little like a candy now that I say it out loud..." Dipper finished, scratching his head. "You're still better than Stan. Mabel one time tried to get him to set up an AlrightCherub- that's a dating site -and he chose the name 'foxygrandpa69.'" he continued, making a face. "Has Stan always made up dumb names like that?" 

"Use this against him all you want, but when we were kids, Stanley used to put his clean underwear on his head and tell everyone he was 'The Under-Stan-er.'" Ford said, leaning back in his chair and smirking with his eyes shut. "One time he almost fell out of a tree like that, trying to 'save' my kitten, Newton. Dad had to get a ladder and get both of them down, but not before the entire neighborhood saw." 

"Aww man!" Laughed Dipper. "You think that's embarrassing? When Mabel learned about disease spreading in what, third grade? She'd do this thing where she'd put glitter on her hands and ran around shaking peoples' hands or petting their dogs and then screaming 'YOU'RE DEAD' at them because her teacher used glitter as a 'disease' that spread around!" 

The two laughed for a bit about the dumb things their twins had done. But then they both grew quiet. 

"Y'know, for all the silly stuff Mabel's done, she still looks out for me..." Dipper observed. "And well, y'know Stan could just kick you out onto the street, but he does let you stay here, and he did sort of risk getting in serious trouble to get you back..." 

"I won't deny he cares about me still, but... well... He still cares about me." Ford decided, looking in the direction of the doorway up into the main part of the shack, a very thoughtful expression on his face. "That girl says she's bullied for having two thumbs on each hand!" He suddenly changed his tone as he looked at his laptop screen. "I'm sort of glad that mine are just on the ends." 

"No offense, but I'm sorta glad I only have ten fingers..." Dipper remarked. 

"These days they'd cut them off when you were a baby so you would only have scars. I looked it up." Ford said helpfully. 

"Well, I bet they'd still do it to an adult! Why don't you go to a doctor and find out?" Dipper said, suddenly enthusiastic. Ford looked uncomfortable. 

"I don't really like to go to the doctor for trivial reasons." He started, face flushing just enough that Dipper knew he was embarrassed to be nervous. 

"I'll go with you!" Dipper suggested. "I don't like going to the doctor much either, and Mabel is terrified of needles. We'll go lend support!" 

"Dipper, no. I'm not going. I've gotten along fine for this long." Ford insisted. 

"...Dude, are you afraid?" Dipper asked, it suddenly dawning on him. "You are. Something happened there, and now you're afraid." 

"I grew up in a time and place where it was socially acceptable for medical staff to act very unprofessionally." Ford started, with a heavy sigh. "I can remember being only eight years old and sitting on a doctor's table, surrounded by other doctors and nurses, with them all talking about how "freaky" and "bizarre" my fingers are. Does that explain it well enough for you?" 

Dipper decided to drop the subject and let Ford be alone with the computer for a while. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact about me, the author: I was born with six fingers, like Ford. But as he mentions, they cut them off when I was a baby, because unlike Ford I was born in a more modern era where they do these things. Also, mine didn't function. They usually don't, actually. Ford's unusual in the world of extra fingers that way. Also it's super hereditary so it's weird that nobody else in the Pines family had it, since there's more than a 50% chance for each child born to have it.


	4. Media

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pines go to the movies.

"Movies are wholesome family experiences!" Mabel announced, walking in front of the group with her camera. "Let's hear it for summer bonding!" 

"Yaay." The group of Ford, Stan and Dipper all said less-than enthusiastically. 

"I can't believe you convinced Grunkle Stan to drive us here." Dipper remarked. 

"I can't believe you convinced me to bring Ford." Stan agreed. 

"Is the eleven dollars for a special package or something?" Ford asked, squinting at the board. His glasses were in fact thirty years old, so he definitely needed a new prescription. 

"Eleven dollars is an adult ticket." Stan explained. "Lucky for us, we're two seniors and two kids!" 

"Lucky for Dipper he's probably gonna stay short for a while!" Giggled Mabel. 

"So how much is it? Five?" Ford asked. 

"Er," Stan turned to the kids. "You guys haven't taught him about inflation yet?" 

"We're working on it." Dipper promised. 

"I know things are higher priced, _Stanley_ , but I don't know by how much." Ford responded rather testily to his brother, crossing his arms. 

"A lot." Stan responded shortly. "Just assume it's a lot. Everywhere." 

"I'm trying to help you buy the tickets." The other said, minorly irritated. 

"Take the kids inside and get snacks. I gave Dipper twenty bucks to dig a family of possums out of the gutter." 

Dipper clasped his hands behind his back almost comically on queue to hide the scratches up and down his arms. Ford rolled his eyes and offered up what looked like a stick of deodorant, only with very foreign symbols on it. 

"Rub this on it, Dipper. I got it in Dimension 5. It heals wounds on contact and cures illness on ingestion." 

"Thanks, Great-Uncle Ford." Dipper said, taking the stick and rubbing it all up his arms. The cuts disappeared within seconds with the side effect of a loud squelching sound as the flesh re-grew. 

"Whoa!" Exclaimed Mabel. 

"Yeesh." Agreed Stan, more than a bit unnerved by the sound. 

"Don't actually eat it unless you're terminally ill, it'll upset your stomach." Ford cautioned, accepting the stick back. "It's my thought that if I can re-create the formula, we won't have to buy first aid kits ever again." 

"We won't need a first aid kit if we're all in some government facility because you came up with some freaky healing deoderant." Stan said with irritated caution. 

"Or that." Ford agreed. "Never thought you'd be the type to be cautious about anything." 

"Government facilities are not fun." The other said simply. "Now go take the kids to get snacks." 

"Alright, alright. Come on. Maybe we can play some games with the leftover money." Ford agreed, taking the children into the theater. 

"Wait, Grunkle Ford, maybe one of us should stay with Stan so he knows which movie to get us tickets for." Dipper suggested. 

" _You_ _uu_ just wanna be alone with Great-Uncle Ford!" Teased Mabel, poking her brother in the chest at the word " _you_ _uu_." 

"If I admit that that's true will you stay out here?" The boy asked, crossing his arms. 

"Can I use the shower first tonight so I get _all_ the hot water?" the girl bargained. Usually, the twins switched night to night. This night would be Dipper's night to go first. 

"Yeah, alright." He agreed. "I don't take long showers anyway." 

"You scream like a girl when the water goes cold, though." Chuckled Stan. 

"Let's go buy snacks." Dipper said, quickly leading Ford inside. 

A while later, all four family members were sitting in the theater. The movie which Mabel and Stan had agreed on was a rated R one called "Road Fighters of Doom" which promised action scenes and car chases, as well as a cheesy romantic subplot. 

"Aren't the kids a little young for rated R?" Ford had remarked, but accepted his brother's shrug and assertion that 'it's an uncle's job to take the kids to do forbidden/illegal stuff.' After all, he'd reason with himself, rated R was nothing like a rated X movie, which would never even allow a couple of twelve-year-olds in. 

\---------- 

"You better watch out, or else I'll have to shoot her." Threatened a character on the screen. 

"No, sir, you can't!" Begged the tourist character. The bad guy gave a dark chuckle. Mabel shoved a handful of candies into her mouth, her braces denying her the privilege of popcorn. As Dipper had reminded everyone, she'd already had several disasters since getting the braces at the end of winter break that year. 

"I think I can." The bad guy insisted, and then there was a gunshot and a splat of blood on the screen, along with the man crying out in anguish. 

"Whoa, look at the effects!" Dipper said, excitedly nudging Ford next to him. The old man seemed to have a permanent shocked expression on his face, so Dipper frowned. "Grunkle Ford, what's wrong?" 

"This is rated _R_?" He tried to confirm. 

"Well, yeah. Otherwise the girl would'a been shot off-screen. Why?" Dipper agreed. 

"My God." Ford said, simply. 

After the movie, the four decided to go home, since it was a bit late and Mabel was bouncing off the walls from the candy and sitting still she'd done. It was quiet in the car until Ford spoke: "That movie was pretty violent for a rated R." 

" _Eh._ " Said the rest of them, doing the "sort of" hand motion. 

"I'm guessing things have changed again?" He asked. 

"According to my research, what was rated 'R' in 1982 is rated PG-13 now." Dipper stated. 

"No wonder old 80s movies are so lame!" Laughed Mabel. 

"Violence is acceptable now." Stan offered in what was meant to be a helpful way. 

"I think it's a shame, that's all." Sighed Ford. "Children watching all that violent stuff when they should still be watching cartoons." 

"I watch cartoons!" Mabel said proudly. "I watch Star-Heart and Dream Boy High and even some of the new ones on Animation Web TV!" 

"I watch documentaries." Dipper responded. "Ghost Boys and Paranormal Action are my favorite shows, though." 

"What are they about, Dipper?" Ford asked, glad to not talk about the evils of modern films anymore. 

"Well, it's all about these guys who go around and investigate paranormal activity in all these different places! It's really neat!" The boy said, grinning. 

"It's laaaammee." Mabel insisted. "It's just a bunch of scared boys in dark castles with night-vision cameras!" 

"Fascinating. Do they ever find proof of the ghosts?" Ford asked excitedly. 

"Sometimes they get some audio or video recording! Mostly they use Infrared or heat-sensing cameras, and EMP-recorders!" 

"Infrared? Like the army uses for night-vision?" 

"Yeah! You can buy them almost anywhere now!" 

"We need to go get one, immediately! Stanley, take us to the electronics store!" 

"I'm not picking you up." Stan responded, turning the car around. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One time my mom put on a rated R movie and I mentioned that it was rated R and she just looked at me, her 18-year-old daughter for a long time. 
> 
> Also, if anyone doesn't like hearing me tell small relevant stories at the bottom of my chapters, please tell me so I'll stop.


	5. Ghost Hunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford and Dipper go ghost hunting and Ford decides against opening a metaphorical trunk.

"Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, everyone! This episode has a special guest- a real interdimensional traveler, my Great-Uncle Ford!" The boy announced to the camera. "Today, we're going to some of the creepiest abandoned houses in Gravity Falls, to search for paranormal beings, with our new Infrared digital camera and EMP HD recorder!" 

"Dipper, does this mean it's on?" Ford asked, looking at the camera in the background, then at the instruction manual. "Ah, yes. It is. Er, where do you put the tapes in?" 

"It's digital, Grunkle Ford. It plugs into the computer when we're done." Dipper explained, going to help. The camera then cut out to static for a moment. 

\------- 

"Alright, we're here at the abandoned cabin of a man killed in a mining accident!" Dipper announced. "Right?" He added, looking at Ford. 

"Yup. The place has probably been abandoned since I've been gone, according to the locals." 

"That's thirty years for ghosts to inhabit it! Let's go look!" 

The camera cut to static and showed Dipper and Ford running with lots of confused yelling behind them. 

"Okay, that place wasn't abandoned, it's apparently McGucket's vacation house and so we're leaving before he processes we were there because honestly he sorta scares me." Dipper explained. Ford looked over suddenly. 

"Did you say McGucket?" 

The camera cut out again, as Dipper tripped with it and fell down a hill. The hill happened to lead right back to the Mystery Shack, sending the two tumbling directly into a tour group. Everyone stared as they righted themselves, Ford stiffly nodding at his brother. 

"Hello, Stan. We're back from our trip." He said before heading inside, curious tourists watching them in wonder. 

Once inside, Ford turned to Dipper once more. "That house, it belonged to-" his eyes widened. "I remember why I knew where it was now... And who was there when we were?" 

"Old Man McGucket. He's a little crazy 'cuz of this machine he made when he was younger to erase memories. Super smart though." Dipper explained. Mabel agreed from her position upside-down on the couch, 

"It's kind of scary how smart he is when you think of how crazy he also is." 

"Wait, wait, wait, what's his full name? Do you know?" Ford asked, almost excitedly. 

"It's... Oh... Dipper what was it? It's a funny name." Mabel said, flipping herself over to join her brother in a thoughtful pose. 

"F-something. I thought he owned your laptop at first..." Dipper muttered. "And he made the thing..." 

"Fiddleford?" Ford asked, looking at both kids as they looked up. 

"Yeah! That's it!" Mabel cheered. 

"Oh my god... Mabel, McGucket was Ford's partner in the portal project!" Dipper gasped. 

"He still lives here?" Ford asked eagerly. 

"Well..." Both twins looked at each other before Dipper responded, gently: 

"He doesn't remember anything about anyone he used to be, Grunkle Ford. I don't think it's time to open that trunk yet." 

Ford looked disappointed, but conceded. "You're absolutely right, Dipper. There's enough going on without my meddling in this town for personal affairs..." 

Mabel sympathetically put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, it's alright! He's working on making himself remember, so I bet he'll come looking for you any time now, since he doesn't know you disappeared!" 

"I suppose so." Ford agreed, heading down into his lab once more. "I had fun going on that ghost hunt, Dipper, even if we didn't find anything supernatural. It reminds me of the hunts I did when I was younger." He said as parting, the door shutting behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One time I swear I saw this weird lemur thing look in my living room window. My brother saw it too so I know we saw something, but when we ran out to look at the roof where it would be standing, there wasn't any trace of any animal there. Freaky stuff. Glad we don't live in that house anymore.


End file.
